Now, we left off with how my (first) ex’s family did nothing to prevent the abuse, unfortunately my second ex’s family was no different. Here’s his family in a nutshell…
- His father, made lots of money, never cooked, never cleaned, was the “man” (A.k.a BOSS) of the household, and had a tragic upbringing. His mother died during his birth and father died when he was five years old. He was stuck being raised (abused) by his grandmother and his grandmother’s boyfriend. He would endure beatings, live with a strict excuse for a “father figure” and decided to flee his home country to find a better life in the United States once he met my ex’s mother.
- His mother, had her first child at 16 by a previous man, never knew her own father, had a hard upbringing as well. Met my ex’s father at 17 (he was 23), instantly “fell in love” with him and they both moved to the United States. His mother worked mainly in factory jobs, cooked, cleaned, took care of their children, followed every barking order the father gave out. She drank heavily, (almost every single day) had many sad drunken nights where she would cry and confess how she never knew her father and wish she had a dad growing up. My ex’s parents also weren’t married because (these are his father’s exact words)
“I’ll never marry you, unless your mother is dead. When that b*tch dies, then maybe I’ll marry you”
What a great “father” right?
- His oldest brother from a previous man, was neglected. My ex’s mother dedicated her entire life to my ex’s father. She sadly chose a “man” over her child. His older brother soon turned to alcohol at the age of 13, gang affiliation, and his ultimate downfall… drugs. He had mental illness and the drugs of course, didn’t make it any better. He soon became homeless and was put into rehab after rehab. Nothing, even to this day, has helped keep him clean. He is currently in prison for “Breaking and Entering” and “Possession of Narcotics”
- His older brother, had it worse of the children in the household. Being the first born, first to experience his father’s beatings, once so badly as a child that the mother had to call the police, sadly she changed her story once the police arrived to protect her “man”. His older brother was smart though, he decided to join the military at 18 and never lived back with his parents again. He married and they are currently living a happy life. Good for him!
- His younger sister was a teenager still in high school. She sadly follows every bark that my ex would yell at her, she was sweet yet also very shy. She was highly insecure of herself, her looks, her weight. Always comparing herself to a celebrity wishing she had the same things they had. She was too shy to stand up for herself, to say no, and unfortunately may fall into the arms of someone like her father one day, or even worse.
In looking back at my life, I noticed a pattern, not only were they both abusive towards me. They both had similar upbringings.
- Father was “in charge” (more like controlling)
- Mother/females in household were treated “lesser” than the men
- Mother/females in household were expected to do everything when told to
So, of course when my ex would yell commands at me, make fun of me in front of company, take all my money, throw temper tantrums, and still expect me to make his plate during dinner time, fold his laundry, and drive him around, there his family was…
Doing absolutely nothing.
I noticed that his barking commands behavior towards his sister was similar to how he would treat me.
“Get me something to drink!”
“Make me something to eat!”
“Give me the remote, we are watching what I want to watch”
“You aren’t wearing that!” (Yes, he would even tell his younger sister what to wear)
I, since I had just been treated awful months prior to our “relationship”, would tell him “stop talking to her like that!” or “why are you so mean to her?”. It’s funny how I could notice when he is disrespecting others, yet when he would disrespect me I would let it “slide”, would act as if it was “no big deal”, and make excuses for his behavior over and over again. He would never listen to me and would shun his behavior off with “it’s just how we are” or “you’re just sensitive you don’t get it”.
His mother sadly did the same. She would stand by and watch when he would throw his temper tantrums, throw things, punch walls, and storm off in the car leaving me behind at his house. (My car had broken down on the way back from a trip with him which I will create another post about soon! Be on the lookout) so that was his secret weapon. He would make sure that I was either stranded at his house so that his family would know my every move or left on the side of the freeway to find a way back home… whichever he found convenient.
Now his father, he acted as if he was truly blind to it all. He literally saw his son’s behavior as something that was “normal” and even worse, “expected”. He expected him to be the “boss” to tell me what I can or can’t do. So, the day he dropped me and my daughter off on the side of the freeway and I was back at their home later that afternoon all his father said to me was…
“Don’t be sad.”
Don’t be sad? Are you kidding me? Not, “Oh I’m going to teach my son to do better.” Not “ I’m sorry that my son is an asshole for doing that to you and your baby.”
Just a “Don’t be sad.”
I’m not sad alright, I’m pissed!
After living through the nightmare of being in yet another abusive relationship with family members who would brush off the things that were said and done to me I began to realize the reasoning’s behind it all.
They are all victims themselves.
Now by all means them being victims does not (I repeat, does NOT!) excuse their behavior, it explains it. I have found that in order to grow as a person, in order to truly mend, and start to move forward you have to find answers. When you find the reasons behind why someone did something and accept their actions for what they were it makes it so much easier to finally move on and let them destroy their own lives. Holding resentment, holding a grudge, hating the person for what they did will only hinder your journey in truly healing and moving forward.
Although yes, I was angry at both of my abuser’s families, I was heartbroken, I was depressed, I felt defeated, worthless, and felt like those two excuses for “men” wasted a huge chunk of my early adult life I truly realized something that made this healing process begin…
They are the ones suffering, they are the ones insecure, they are the ones depressed, defeated, and feeling worthless.
As the old saying goes, “hurt people, hurt people”. Which is very true. I can never turn back time and stop what was done to me, yet I can move and grow from it. I can take what happened to me and turn it into a positive situation to truly help others around me just like anyone else who has been hurt before.
Yet those two families, my two ex-abusers, they sadly will never change. They will never progress and move forward in life and change their abusive ways and that’s their choice. They have the same chance to take what they’ve been through and change their life around yet sadly they won’t, they choose to hate others, to hurt others, to stand by while others are being hurt. They will continue to find new victims, to hurt people, to by-stand and do nothing while others are being hurt. And that is sad.
I only had to deal with them for months and months, yet they have to live with themselves for their entire life, literally.