Now before I begin I want to make something very clear. Although in this post I may say a little joke or two here and there, suicide and suicide attempts are not a joke or laughing matter. If you or anyone you know is showing any signs of attempting suicide, take it serious and intervene immediately.
Here is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
Okay, so there I was, pregnant, crying, alone, in our apartment. I just took that plunge, the hardest leap I’ve ever taken in life by breaking up with my abuser. My very first boyfriend, the only guy I ever moved in with. The person who claimed to “love me” and “care about me” then would end up hurting me, minutes later. After the police had to forcibly remove him and his belongings out of the apartment I felt a little safer but knew he would return… Which he did, the next day.
My phone ringing off the hook, voicemails popping up one after the other. First, he would call from his number, then I would block it. Then he would call from a different number, then I would block that one. Then he called blocked, over and over and over. I was so tempted to answer, to say that “I take it back” to just start over, to let him back into my life. Yet, I stood my ground. I knew that this was right for me. Although I didn’t answer the phone calls I did listen to the voicemails.
“Please answer the phone, I will never do that again!”
“That” referring to him trying to throw me down the stairs of our second story apartment!
“Answer the phone, it’s cold out here. I can’t stop crying and wheezing, I have asthma let me back into the apartment to get my inhaler!”
He was saying anything and everything to pull at my heart strings, he knew how to manipulate me and was trying his hardest for me to give into him one last time.
“How could you do this to me? After all that I have done for you and you do this? Wow! I can’t believe you would do this to me!”
Do what? Break up with a person who tried to kill me numerous times? Yes, I’m a terrible person for wanting to leave the one person hurting me, right? Wrong!
Then… his family started to call.
(They are a whole new level of bizarre which we will get into in a later post)
Of course, I didn’t answer the phone! I knew that it was either him using their phones or them trying to convince me to let their abusive son back into the apartment and back into my life. Not going to happen.
Since I wasn’t answering the phone, they began leaving voicemails over and over.
I was an emotional wreck at this point, sitting in my walk-in closet too afraid to be in the living room, or even in the bedroom. I had all the doors locked, windows shut, blinds closed. I was afraid, I didn’t know what to expect.
Would he come back with his gun? Would he throw a rock through my window? All these questions in my mind as my cell phone continued to ring over and over. I sat down and began to listen to the 8 voicemails left by his family.
“Aye (his dad’s voice)! Pick up the phone! I don’t like you just breaking up with my son, you need to answer this damn phone and explain yourself!”
“It’s me, (his older sister) I know you and my brother argue all the time but he is really sad, he is really sorry I’ve never seen his cry this much. Please answer the phone, he wants to talk to you really badly.”
All of the voicemails sounded the same, pleading for me to answer the phone, to give him another chance, yet this last voicemail was the one that made my heart race. I replayed it three times just to make sure I was hearing correctly.
“It’s me (his dad’s voice)! He just tried to kill himself! We found him in the bathroom crying and saying he felt sick and that he took a bunch of medicine! We rushed him to the hospital! You need to get here right now! It’s your fault that he did this! CALL ME BACK!” Then throughout the voicemail there is a long silence but with hospital machine beeps in the background. It’s as if he didn’t hang up the phone for about a minute then he finally hung up.
At this point I was a whole whirlpool of emotions, lots of sadness, regret, yet I was furious.
How could he be so stupid!? Why would he take a whole bunch of medicine? What would killing himself solve?! Is he seriously trying to flip this whole thing on me?! Trying to kill himself to paint me out to be the “bad guy”? Didn’t he already try killing himself before with his ex!
(Yes, he tried to “kill himself” with his ex-girlfriend when he was 19 after she denied his proposal, when he shared that story with me I should have spotted then that something about him was definitely off. More about that story in a different post)
Now I know this sounds insensitive but I thought to myself, “Why did he try to kill himself with pills? Why would he take a bunch of medicine when he has a gun?” Now of course I didn’t want him to actually kill himself I was just shocked at his tactic of choice. This is when I realized exactly what was happening, it was all an act of manipulation! He was trying to force me to get back with him by attempting to “kill himself”.
The phone rang and went to voicemail once more, as I listened to the voicemail I realized right away it was him.
His voice was shaky and sounded as if he had been crying.
“Hey…. Um… I am alright, I just really love you and want you back with me, I apologize for hurting you. I have realized I messed up it’s because I had a bad childhood that I took my anger out on you and if you please just let me back in I swear to God things will be different. I didn’t mean to try to throw you down the stairs it was an accident. I shouldn’t have drunk that Nyquil trying to end my life that was dumb of me. Please just call me back please I need you here okay? We can still be together for the baby, please just call me back.”
As bad as this sounds, I actually laughed. I laughed right when I heard him say Nyquil on the voicemail. It was sort of a “laugh of relief”, it gave me reassurance that this was all just a plea for attention and to make me “regret breaking up with him”. I thought to myself if he truly wanted to kill himself, he would have. He wouldn’t have drunk a whole bottle of Nyquil. I mean of all the things in the world, cough medicine? Really?! Well, whatever floats his boat, whatever helps him sleep at night I guess? Maybe that’s what he needed the Nyquil for…
If someone is threating you with a suicide attempt to try and coerce you back into their life, don’t accept it. Although remember to always take suicide attempts and signs seriously. Tell someone. Call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255. Know that (in the instance that they are using it as method to manipulate you) this is not your fault, that this is a game of manipulation that you don’t deserve to be a pawn in.
Although suicide attempts are a very serious matter in my circumstance it was used as a tactic to manipulate me back into the hands of a monster.