Sounds like a nightmare, right? Being in a relationship with someone you’re not physically attracted to… that was me! Yet, of course I couldn’t be attracted to someone who is abusive towards me, who tells me how ugly I am, how I should be lucky to have him, who destroys all the things I love then explains to me how if I wouldn’t have “x y and z’d” that he wouldn’t have done it in the first place. Many people have asked me, “How did you become pregnant by a person that would hit you?”
The answer is simple: manipulation.
At first I didn’t think I was being “raped” by him because when I envisioned rape I think of Law & Order SVU episodes, or a stranger leading you into an alley and sexually assaulted you on your walk back from the grocery store.
Yes, you can be raped by your boyfriend, husband, wife, girlfriend, spouse, best friend, significant other, a “friend”. A rapist has no specific title. Rape can be perpetrated by anyone.
When me and my abuser would have “sex” not once was it ever consensual. It was never two-sided, it was always when he wanted to. When we had “sex”, it was always about his satisfaction, what he wanted, it was never an intimate two-person act. He had even tried to force me to have a threesome, all to fulfill his fantasies. Not one time did he ever consider my feelings, my wants, my sexual desires. It was all about control. It was as if I was a sex object, not a person.
So, during “doing the do” I would always be somewhere else, mentally. Pretending it wasn’t happening, pretending that it was with someone else, maybe a celebrity one night, maybe a man that I created from my imagination the next, just waiting until it was over.
This is not a healthy sex life, this is not how consensual sex is supposed to be.
If you or your partner insists on controlling you to have sex with them, manipulating you to have sex with them, forcing you to have sex with them, it is rape. Many may believe that just because they are your boyfriend/girlfriend, wife/husband, significant other, that it isn’t considered “rape”. Anyone can commit rape. Nowhere is there a contract stating, “being in a relationship means you must have sex with your partner”. You control your body, you control when (and if) you want to have sex and who you want to have sex with. The second you decide that you don’t want to have sex, change your mind about having sex, or simply aren’t in the mood for sex and they continue on anyway, that is rape. And rape is never okay!
This isn’t a person who respects your boundaries, this isn’t a person who respects your body, and most importantly this isn’t a person that respects you!