The First Time He Hit Me

Let’s just say it wasn’t the last.

It’s a day I will never forget.

We were together for about three weeks. He immediately would ask to “see my phone” the second we would see each other to “use it” (he had a phone of his own, yet it miraculously would stop working the second I arrived) All he was truly doing was searching through my phone. Of course, he wouldn’t find anything so he would act like he was finished “using it” and give it back.

Well that day, it was different. It went off. A simple text message of “Hey wats up? Long time no talk”.

The number wasn’t saved. That instantly sent off a red flag for him. “Who is this?!” “Someone texted you! Whose number is that!?” I truly had no idea, I could barely remember my own new cell phone number from moving there, let alone someone else’s number.

This was the first time he truly raised his voice to me, in person. [I had received an angry voicemail from him in week two but we will get into that later.] I sort of just froze there, tongue tied, stuttering. I tried telling him I don’t know who the number was.

“You must know who it is, they said they have talked to you before! They have your number!” He takes the phone and a pack of cigarettes and heads out into the garage. I follow behind, telling him repeatedly that I wasn’t sure who it was texting me and that it must not be anyone important if their number isn’t saved.

He wasn’t having that.

CALL IT!”

Knowing that I didn’t do anything wrong, I did. I called. My heart was racing. I kept thinking to myself “Why am I nervous? I didn’t even do anything wrong? Why is he so angry?” I hadn’t seen this side of him before. “Hello?” It was a man’s voice; one I didn’t find familiar enough to know right off the bat who it was. My boyfriend’s ear was on the other side of the phone, he kept mouthing “Put it on speaker! Put it on speaker!” So, I did.

Making hand motions and mouthing quietly so the person couldn’t hear my boyfriend says “Ask who it is!” So I asked, “Um.. Who is this?” “This is Jay. You don’t remember me? From the party? I got your number, we texted for a little while then you disappeared on me? How have you…”

My boyfriend instantly grabs the phone and clicks! He gave me a look I’ll never forget.

Stern, furious, and before you know it… He slapped me in the face. So hard, I felt as if I had gotten instantly sunburned on my cheek.

“You’re such a hoe! Giving your number out at parties! You probably f*cked him too! Wow! I can’t believe you! How long did you talk to him before you started talking to me!?”

This was the first time he ever hit me, I began to cry. These tears were different. Tears of hurt more than of pain. A crying that I had never experienced before… This is when he said something that tore me, deeper than any surface wounds could.

“I don’t know why you’re crying. Tears can’t save you now.”

I had never felt so low, so hopeless. He leaves the garage and returns to the house, as if he hadn’t hit me at all. I stood there, in shock. This is when I started to visualize that this was just a dream, an hallucination… nope, this was reality, this was my “relationship”…

That day my mind just replayed it over and over. From that point I knew that, “Something just isn’t right” yet, I never acted on it. I had that “gut feeling” that something was off. I would question his “I’m sorry’s” and even his “I’ll never do it again” yet, I never left…

My Ex Put a Loaded Gun to My Head!!

There I was… facing a loaded black 22. Never in my life had I been in the front of a gun. I’m standing in the room, my back against the wall. He began to press the gun deep into my forehead. He’s angry, chain smoking cigarettes back to back blowing smoke into my face with the gun pointed at me. This is when he’ll say something that stuck with me until this day and will forever stick with me. I can still hear the tone of his voice…

“If you ever try to leave me, I will kill you and then kill myself!”

He slaps me with the gun and throws me onto the bed and leaves the room like nothing ever happened.

That was the first, yet sadly not the last, time that he pulled a gun on me. Here’s how it began.

After being in a “relationship” for about four months, I would spend 99.99% of my time with him. I couldn’t walk to the stop sign by myself. I couldn’t drive down the street to the grocery store (in MY own car) by myself. I couldn’t even go the bathroom without “turning in my phone” to him, and if I were in there for more than three minutes, there he was beating at the door asking, “What are you doing!?”. This being my first relationship I assumed that he just “cares so much that he has to constantly check up on my every action” Yeah, and pigs fly.

I had started my period while in class so I figured I should go and buy some pads at Target before going back to the house. He never wanted to go to the store with me without me buying something (everything) for him and nothing for myself so I knew it would be best to go by myself. Going straight from school to the store was my only chance. So of course, I texted him and let him know, (more like asked his permission if I could go to the store in the first place). Immediately he called.

“Why are you going to the store?” “What’s that noise?” “Call me as soon as you get there!” I did. He proceeded to talk to me the entire store trip. Just to “make sure” I wasn’t doing anything “out of the ordinary”.

I tell him I’m about to head out of the store and that I’ll see him when I get there. As I walk out a lady approaches me in her van saying, “I love your hair who does it?” My hair had a nice black to dark brown ombre to it. I told her, “I do”. Although I’m a very social person I was brushing her off, trying to get to my car so I can leave. The time continued to tick on…

She asked for my number so I can contact her about doing her hair. I told her that I’ll take hers down and call her. I didn’t want some random number calling my phone, he would flip. After about six minutes, which felt like a lifetime, she drove away. I rushed to my car and sped to the house.

When I pulled up I did the “normal routine” of what he expected me to do when I pull up.


  • I get out the car
  • I hand him my phone
  • He gets in the car, searches through it [glove department, under the seats, the backseats, the trunk]
  • He goes through my phone and keeps the phone for the remainder of the day
  • He grabs my belongings (backpack, purse, and the Target bags) and goes through them, grabs the receipt

This is what he would do every single day after I come home from school. He searched my car. He searched through my phone. He made sure that anything and everything I did, he knew about.

When he grabbed the receipt, that’s when all hell broke loose. “1:16? It’s 1:45! What the f*ck took you so long? You went somewhere else didn’t you! Who the f*ck did you go see?! You cheated on me didn’t you!” He screams at me to go to the room and close the door. I already knew what this meant. So, I did.

I go into the room, my heart racing. He usually follows right behind me but this time he didn’t… which made me even more nervous. I didn’t have my phone so I had no clue of what time it was, I just knew it had been at least five minutes and nothing? Still wasn’t in the house or in the room. I smell cigarette smoke. He must be smoking a cigarette going through my stuff to see if he missed something, the usual.

The door slams open! He goes straight into his closet and pulls out a black box. I had never seen this before, I didn’t know what to expect. It was a gun. My heart dropped. I had never felt this level of fear in my life. I didn’t know what to say, what to feel, what to do. It’s as if my mind froze, everything was moving in slow motion. He kept asking “Where’d you go!?” “Who were you with?!” The gun in his hand the entire time. When I explained to him the lady outside of Target situation, he didn’t believe me. There went his scenarios, “You cheated on me after you left Target! You went to some other dude’s house! Then decided to bring your stupid ass here!” I began to beg…

I begged him to leave me alone, to let me leave, that I just wanted out, I wanted to end the relationship. Big mistake. That’s when he points the gun straight at my head and presses it into my forehead.

“If you ever try to leave me, I’ll kill you and then kill myself”

His voice.. that sentence.. the gun.. everything played in my head over and over that night, even after his one thousand, “I wouldn’t have hit you if you wouldn’t have x, y and z.” “I wouldn’t have had to pull the gun out if you didn’t this, that, and this.” “It won’t happen again.”

Never once did he acknowledge ownership for what he had done. Never once did he apologize. Never once did he say he believed I didn’t cheat on him. And it most certainly did, “happen again” (but we will get to that in a later post)

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a serious issue. I could have easily been murdered right then and there, at 18. He could have easily shot me in the head, shot himself, and nobody would have gotten the real story. Yet he used this as a tactic. To instill fear into me, to make me never try to leave him again…

It worked.

If someone ever pulls a gun, knife, or any other kind of weapon out on you, that is not love. That is not a relationship, a “spouse/partner”. They will do it again, they aren’t sorry. After a situation like that, if you value your life it’s best to leave, make an escape plan, and leave, never turn back!

Here’s a link to making an escape plan to safely leave an abusive relationship.

Your life is worth it.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/18/leaving-an-abusive-relationship_n_5840504.html

 

 

My Ex-Boyfriend Left Me and My Baby… ON THE SIDE OF THE FREEWAY!

When will I ever catch a break? Well technically I did catch a “braketwo of them, as the car came to an enormous halt and my ex shouts “Get the f**k out!” I grabbed my daughter, only ten months at the time, and unlatched the car seat. As I went to grab my purse he sped off before I could take it out, typical. So, how did I get to this position? On the side of the road dragging a 20-pound steel framed Graco 4-Ever car seat with one hand and carrying a 20-pound baby on the other?

Let’s backtrack.

So, abusive ex (number two) decides to invite me out to lunch. For the first time, in a very…very long time, he was actually paying the bill. (Probably because he had sucked my wallet dry and knew there was no other option but for him to pay). He pulls up to my house, with his little sister in the front seat, and notices a truck parked right in front of my house. I think nothing of it, yet he doesn’t…

He begins to yell at me before we even get down the street! “Whose truck is that?” “Who did you have over?” “You invited someone over didn’t you!” My parents had just left for the weekend so I had the house to myself. Yet the truck parked out front, I later found out, was a cousin of my neighbors who decided to come over. They just so happened to park their truck right in front of my house. I kept telling him over and over that I had no idea whose truck that was and that I’ve been home alone this whole time with the baby.

He didn’t believe me.

As he is speeding on the freeway he continues with the questioning (more like harassing). My daughter begins to cry, most likely from all the screaming. This is where it takes a turn for the worst. [No pun intended] I tell him, “Can you just stop? Stop with all the yelling!” Oh, he stopped alright, on the side of the freeway! He begins yelling for me to “get the f**k out! Take your sh*t and leave!” his younger sister crying, telling him to “Stop! She has a baby, stop being like this!” (this isn’t the first time she’s witnessed his behavior but we will get to that in another post), and yet… he speeds away.

I was about half a mile away from the nearest freeway exit, I had no other option but to walk. Walk in the sweltering 90-degree California weather. Since he sped off with my purse I had no money to call for a taxi, to buy a bottle of water for my daughter, nothing.

So, you may be wondering:

This must be the reason why you dumped him”

Sadly, no, it wasn’t.

After I finally made it to the air-conditioned gas station, I decided to call for someone to come and get us. I called my ex’s mom. I had no other option. I knew my parents, 150 miles away soaking up the sun at the beach, weren’t going to get here fast enough, and I didn’t have any money for a taxi ride home. When she got there, twenty minutes later, all she could do was apologize for her son’s behavior… Meanwhile, he is still at the sandwich shop eating, without a care in the world.

Not once did he call to apologize, not once did he even turn around to pick us up. He literally went to eat with his sister, as if he hadn’t done anything wrong. And when his mother told him she dropped me off at my house, he didn’t even come over.

Yet, I still stayed with him. After three days of not communicating I was the one who texted him first, I was the one saying sorry for “not talking to him the past three days”, me! And our “relationship” continued…

Anyone out there please learn from my mistakes. This is not an example of someone who loves you, likes you, or even cares about you. Not only did he put me in danger, he put a ten-month-old baby in danger. I allowed him to treat me like trash, to be tossed out on the side of the road. This isn’t the behavior of a partner, boy/girlfriend, spouse, friend, this is the behavior of an abuser. Nothing less.

My Ex Tried to Blackmail Me with My Sex Tape

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Maybe I should start my own “Keeping Up with the”… never mind! Yes, that image is me, and the title is in fact true, my ex tried to blackmail me with my sex tape!!

STORY TIME! Just recently I received a Direct Message Request on Instagram from my ex. The second abusive relationship offender, that I found myself trapped with after my first abusive relationship. Now normally when faced with this sort of situation I just deny the request and block immediately! Yet, there was a photo and video attached? Instagram blurred the images attached to the message, so in order to see the photo I had to approve it.

It’s me! Naked!

Along with the photo is a long threatening paragraph, calling me derogatory names, “You’re such a hoe” “Look how much of a slut you are” “I can’t believe you dumped me, b*tch!” “You ugly piece of..”  Anywho, underneath the paragraph was also a “short film” of mine (if you catch my drift). Ending his long rant was what really made my jaw drop:

“I can’t wait to show everyone how much of a slut you are.”

Now, I’m a very open individual (in more ways than one *wink wink*) so the thought of him “exposing” me wasn’t very alerting. I thought to myself, I’m an adult. I’m a woman, a very strong woman at that. There’s nothing he can say or do to me anymore to make me feel “fear” or “scared”. I knew this was just another one of his manipulative tactics. A plea for attention as well as a way to feel some sort of “control” over me. He thought by threatening to “expose” me that it would make me feel ashamed of myself, make me feel discouraged, make me beg for him not to do it. Yet, it didn’t.

Ironically it did the exact opposite? It actually made me feel happy? Liberated even.

Happy that I wasn’t in a relationship with someone like that anymore, someone willing to “expose” a woman who dumped him (almost a whole year ago) just to be malicious and hurt me.

Liberated and empowered because even after reading his disrespectful threatening rant, I didn’t let it “get to me”. I’m even sitting here typing this for the world to see.

Now if you are like me and have sent anything sexual, recorded anything sexual about yourself or engaging in acts with others and someone is threatening to “expose you” here’s what I told myself.

Don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed.

Sex is everywhere. Sex is literally what makes the world go round! (as well as the gravitational pull and all that physics junk but mostly sex!) If it weren’t for sex, I wouldn’t be typing this nor would you be reading it, we wouldn’t even be alive. A person “exposing” someone’s personal business (or threatening to) is not only immature, but literally nothing but a weak minded, manipulative individual who needs professional help and people who are smart will see that. You are a human being, being sexual is nothing to be ashamed of. Don’t feel “exposed”. Although building confidence in yourself takes time, it’s in fact possible.

Always know that when you are a confident individual there is nothing someone can show, do, or say about you that makes you feel any less about yourself!

Being in An Abusive Relationship Was One of The BEST Things That Has Ever Happened to Me

Talk about a horrible life huh? If being in an abusive relationship was one of the best things it makes you question, then what do I consider one of the worst? Dun Dun Dun! Ironically being in two abusive relationships was one of the best things that has happened to me in my life. It’s quite like a beautiful rainbow after a horrendous rain storm. Except this horrendous rainstorm was my “love life”. Although the relationships themselves were horrible, the aftermath was beautiful. Here’s how:

  • It’s what lead me to becoming a mom

When I built the strength to leave my abuser I was a pregnant single teen mom. Triple whammy! Yet, being in an abusive relationship while being pregnant truly opened my eyes and to this day makes me appreciate being a mother more than ever. When I was with my abuser one day I asked myself, “Do I want to be a mom who gets hit, watches my child be abused, and lives a life in fear every day? Or, do I want to be a single, happy, safe parent?” Well that’s a no brainer! Now that I’m a mom it’s my favorite title. My child means more than the world to me and if I hadn’t ever been in an abusive relationship, hadn’t become pregnant, who knows I might still be in that same miserable position; a victim of ongoing domestic violence.

  • It helped me discover who I am as a person

When I left both of my abusive relationships I took lots of time to self-reflect, to analyze, to find myself. In both relationships, other than the forms of abuse, they both had something highly in common, I couldn’t be myself.

From my appearance: “Why do you want to wear makeup? You’re cheating on me huh!” “Why do you want to wear a dress? You’re trying to impress another guy aren’t you!” to them even judging my decisions and opinions, “Why do you want to get on birth control? You must be sleeping around!” “Why are you such a feminist? I hate feminists, women belong in the kitchen!”

Everything I liked, said, or even wore had to be changed, rearranged, kept to myself, masked. All in all, this forced me to be secluded, to hide my true self and my true feelings. I felt as if I was trapped in a cage. After becoming single I began to realize who I was as a person and how nobody can take that from me. I realized that no matter what I sleep in my skin every night, nobody else. I began to explore and find hobbies that I enjoyed, reading, shopping, spontaneous road trips, going for walks, museums, art galleries, cooking, scrap-booking, writing! I found who I am as a person and who I’m becoming on this long journey called life.

  • It showed me what to look out for in future relationships

Ever watched a toddler touch something hot? Something they know they aren’t supposed to touch, they touch it once (out of curiosity) … burn themselves. Sees it there, wants to discover it, thinking “eh I doubt it’ll burn me again… they burn themselves again. Then they completely walk away and never touch it again. Yeah, well that pretty much sums that up.

  • It guided me into my profession

Throughout my childhood, I thought I wanted to be an entomologist, a bug doctor. Ha! Don’t know what I was thinking. Throughout my college years I never truly knew what I wanted to be. I thought I wanted to be a nurse, because that’s what my parents had drilled into my head since day one of college. Yet when I volunteered as a nurse I knew that it wasn’t the occupation for me. Then throughout the beginning of my adult life experiencing being a victim of domestic violence, not knowing how to form healthy relationships, not knowing about healthy sexual relationships, not knowing about sexuality, it truly pointed me in the direction I wanted… Public Health! I knew obtaining my Bachelor’s in the Science of Public Health was my calling. In Public Health, there are tons of different areas to study in, environmental health, occupational health, health administration, nutrition, the list goes on! The one in particular that I plan to pursue is the area of educating others on healthy relationships and healthy sexual relationships. Let’s talk about sex baby!

  • It helped me to share my story with others

Last but not least, it helped me share my story with others! Before being in an abusive relationship I was very naïve and ignorant on the topic of domestic violence. I, like many others, would think “why don’t they just leave?” or “that only happens in the movies”. Unless Netflix was secretly filiming my relationships, I’m pretty positive domestic violence is definitely not just “in movies”. Looking back on life if I had a blog to view, a book to read, a video to watch, anything really, on the topic of domestic violence it would have made me look at my relationship a lot differently, I would have noticed that the actions depicted in writing are a lot like the “fake-ationship” that I was in. This is truthfully what made me start my blog. I knew if I could share my story with the world it can really help others, it could be that extra step that makes them leave, it could give them the courage they need to grow, it could be what helps them create their own path to closure.

Anyone who has gone through something traumatic, who has experienced something that has left you feeling damaged, always remember that in life we go through hardships. Life is hard. Those hardships are what help you grow and become even stronger then you were before. As cliché as it sounds, “You can’t have a rainbow without the rain”. It’s okay to hurt, it’s okay to feel lost just know that with “time2mend” everything will be okay!

Why I Will NEVER Have Sex In A Car Again!

Don’t get me wrong having sex in a car every once in a while, can be spontaneous, kinky, and even exciting! The thrill of being in public, the fear of being caught, and the adrenaline of the moment.

If you’re about to have sex with someone that you just met at the club, a party, hell even the library (you never know) then I can see where sex in a car may be the only available option for the moment.

But, if this person is someone you’ve known for a while, built some sort of bond or connection with, someone you are in a “serious relationship” with, even goes to the lengths of saying they like you more than a friend or even deeper and they “love you” and all they want to do is have sex in a random dark secluded location in a car at the late wee hours of the night. Then Houston, we have problem.

This is where you might want to ask yourself a few questions:

  • Is this person only hitting you up at late hours of the night?

Does every time you hear from them you’re about two seconds from falling asleep? Do they only want to see you in the night time? If this person is claiming they want to “be with you” and especially saying they care about you and all they want to do is talk to you at night?

Either they are allergic to sunlight, or they just want to get into your pants.

  • Are you having sex in this person’s car because they don’t have a place of their own?

Okay don’t get me wrong, times are tough! Some people may be rooming with a friend or even living with their parents. Yet if this person is consistently only wanting sex in car it can make you start to wonder why? Why not get a hotel for the night? Why not introduce me to their roommates? Or even their parents? We are in a “relationship” right? This leads me to the most important question…

  • Does this person have a place of their own yet insist that you only have sex in a car?

If so, something is definitely off! This person may have a relationship and is keeping you on the hush-hush or this person may be “just not that into you”and only want to see you for some quick late night action with no strings attached [although they may be painting a romantic façade to make it seem otherwise].

Coming from experience I used to make up every excuse in the book for guys who wanted to only have sex with me in a car yet insisted that they “liked” and “cared” about me. Being young and naive, I would believe in the “charm”, I’d be convinced that they truly did want to be with me… as long as the backseat is involved. “Oh, maybe he’s too shy to introduce me to his roommates and friends” “Maybe he doesn’t want me to meet his parents right now” Even though those things could have been true, most of the time they weren’t!

If a woman or man truly cared for you (the way they repeat it over and over when it’s time to persuade you to have sex with them) then they would go the extra mile (no pun intended) for you! If you have voiced your opinion about changing up the “ol’ Automobile Sex Life” and they still won’t budge, then it’s time to kick them (and the car) to the curb! After many backseat brigades, I started to notice a pattern! A lot of them would say lots of sweet things, yet their actions showed otherwise. Would a person who truly cares about you only want to get wild in the backseat of their car at midnight on a dark and scary road? Yeah, I doubt it!

If you are looking for more than just a quick fling and you truly want a relationship with someone, doing the backseat boogie just won’t cut it!

 

How To Become Depressed in Your Early 20’s

Wait…what? No, there’s no typo. I didn’t leave out “not” in the title, you read correctly. Today I will be discussing how to become depressed, not just in your early twenties but also thirties, forties, fifties… pretty much your entire life!

  • Isolate yourself

“Hey you want to hang out?” No, I’m good.

“Did you want to catch a movie with us sometime?” Oh no, thanks anyway.

Having no social interactions during the beginning stages of your adulthood is a for sure way to purchase a ticket on the Depression Express. Now I’m not saying you need to have hundreds of friends, yet just interacting with even a small group of friends every so often makes a huge impact on your mental wellbeing and development.

Being in (not only one but two) abusive relationships, where I wasn’t allowed to have friends, hang out with friends, talk/text/call friends, (or even make up an imaginary friend) really took a toll on me. I truly was alone, isolated from society, with no social life. Being isolated will not only make you feel depressed but will also make it even more difficult to overcome depression when going through it alone. So, go out there, make friends, interact, get involved!

  • Surround yourself with negative people

 Have you ever had a person walk into a room and the whole mood changes? The person walks in with a frown, slams the door angrily, or their facial expression reads “I hate everything”. If you have and want to become depressed, fill your entire social circle with people just like that! Having nothing but “Negative Nancys”, “Debbie Downers”, and “Pessimistic Patricks” in your immediate social circle is definitely the way to go if you are wanting to be unhappy! Misery loves company.

To avoid those toxic negative people in your life, surround yourself with positive people, people who are confident, who want to see you thrive, who want to see you succeed, who are happy. When doing so their positive energy will start to affect you (in a positive way of course!)

  • Stress, and stress often

If you truly want to be depressed, stress. Stress over everything. From dropping your pencil on the floor to losing your car keys. Stress because the sun came up, stress because the sun went down. Stress because it’s hot. Stress because it is cold. Put yourself in stressful situations. Being in a physically abusive relationship I was stressed 99.9% of the time being worried, afraid, and anxious. Although you may be tired of reading stress over and over, hearing about stress, or even being stressed, stress itself is inevitable.

Stress is a natural reaction in our bodies. Yet, the way you view stress can make a huge impact. When something happens in life, the way you perceive it is key to overall happiness. If you view the stress, realize it is either something you can overcome or something that can’t be changed (which is okay too!), then your life ironically will be a lot less “stressful”. Life is far too short to be stressed or to put yourself into stressful situations. Take time to relax, take a slow deep breath, and realize stress is not only normal but natural! Just know that with “time2mend” everything will be okay!